Extracting Memories From Deep Dark Cervices

I thought I was familiar with the technique of writing dialogue because I use it at the start of each year when writing my annual Letter to God.  In this practice, I draft a detailed list of blessings that have unfolded, and I thank God for all that has manifested throughout the year.  Then I date it one year from when it was written. 

I started this assignment by writing a letter to my brain, then I noticed our group leader’s script example buried at the bottom of her prompt.  So, I reworked the letter and turned it into the following conversation:

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Angela: I love you; I miss you and I would greatly appreciate the gift of one memory.  I have prayed over and over for this memory to return… I am the widow of an incredible man whom I have difficulty recalling... this breaks my heart.

Brain: You are stronger than you think you are.

Angela: Doctors told me that the TBI creates a 2-year amnesiac window, and that I may not recall what occurred during that window.  I married Rich Betancourt almost one year before I survived the fatal car crash.

Brain: You have always trusted that you recall what you need to recall.

Angela: Help show me more!

Brain:  I believe this is the way to protect your heart from experiencing too much sadness and loss.

Angela:  Well, I appreciate this wisdom, but I still want to know… Friends and family mean well when they share their memories of Rich, and their photographs.  When I see the bride with her awesome hair standing next to the handsome groom, it is as if I am looking at someone else's wedding.  The images do not unlock recognition or familiarity. 

Brain:  That is because when I was injured, several parts including the left frontal and right parietal lobes were damaged.  You have done a great job rehabilitating me; however, some memories are no longer here.

Angela: It makes me sad to consider that our most intimate memories, the ones that I did not share with anyone else, may be lost forever.  I wish I could recall these sacred pieces of our marriage because maybe it would help me regain part of what was lost… my first husband. 

Brain: Reflect on the earlier memories you still have, those during your courtship and when you first moved in together.  When your mother met him for the first time at your little sister’s funeral.  I know some of these memories are quite sad too, but they are important.

Angela: This creates an emptiness and an unspoken sadness that I don't like to think about because it hurts too much. 

Brain: Like I told you before, you are stronger than you think.

Angela:  I wish you and God both didn’t think I was so tough… there are just four answers that I’d really like to know. 

Brain: Fine, what are they?

Angela: My first one is what side of the bed did Rich sleep on?

Brain: Rich slept closest to the main door of the room, wherever we were.  To keep you safe.

Angela:  What was his nickname for me?

Brain:  Rich referred to you often as Angel.

Angela:  What was his favorite dish that I cooked?

Brain:  Rich loved a seafood paella dish that you made when you picked up fresh seafood in the Grand Central Market before boarding a train home.

Angela:  What did Rich love most about me?

Brain:  He loved that you never met a stranger.  Meaning, you open your heart to everyone.

Angela: Thank you, thank you.  Thank you for these answers.

Brain: Now, rather than trying to spontaneously extract memories from the deep dark crevice where they've been locked away and frozen in time, can you move forward?

Angela: I'd like to.  I’ll let these imaginary answers become my truth now.  I am sorry I have been so hard on you today; I am proud of how well you have adapted to life's greatest losses and hardships, which dramatically changed you.  The way you think, process information, and interact with people.  I know you struggle with memory challenges every day, that is just how life is now with a brain injury.  This acceptance is helping us let go of anger, sadness, and frustration.

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This dialogue writing exercise, which prompted a sincere conversation with my injured brain, was the first time I created space for unprompted answers to surface. Perhaps others who are experiencing a challenge can use this writing exercise to help them uncover their own answers by having a conversation with their own brain.