One Major Lesson

One major lesson that I have learned throughout the process of living with a brain injury is that it is okay -- and often essential -- to ask for help.  

I do not recall a precise moment when this major wisdom occurred to me.  In fact, I am not sure if I was ever really aware of how often I was using this strategy.  Professionals within the world of brain injury rehabilitation shared their observations with me that they were impressed with how freely I sought help from others.  

Acceptance is quite another story though... It can often be more challenging to accept help rather than ask for it.  I actually didn't remember struggling with this part of the equation until speaking with my cognitive coach who reminded me that we had talked quite a bit about this topic years ago.   Acceptance does not come automatically, it takes time, patience, and persistence.  I consider acceptance more like a journey, and my relationship to it changes depending on the circumstances, my mood or even the weather.

I am quite good at asking others for help, not in a victim, or woe-is-me overly dramatic sort of way.  Rather I am able to set aside my embarrassment or shame and ask simple questions.  Like if friends are headed in the same direction, I might ask, "Can I get a ride from you?", because I prefer to not drive whenever it's possible.

I prioritize professional opinions over casual conversations, like when I recently asked my Bonus-Mom, who is a nurse practitioner, for her medical advice about a pain I am experiencing in my right foot.  I already knew what her answer would be but asking her for help encouraged me to book an appointment with my General Practitioner to get my foot checked out.

I work with many brain injury professionals since the crash, currently I work with two who I see weekly and regularly ask for and accepting help from.  One time Dr. Will conducted a note-taking experiment during one of our sessions.  This was because I was taking so many notes which took up a lot of time.  He suggested I practice just taking 3 notes on things I'd like to remember from our discussion.  This lasted for one day, because we both realized that I was unable to spontaneously recall information, so I went back to taking my "interruptive" notes.  In fact, this memory was produced from one of those notes!

Speaking about session notes, I use a digital note taking system called Evernote.  And although I clean it out annually, my cognitive coach currently still has 255 pages.  I was actually surprised to hear her say during our most recent session that we have worked together for ten years!  I learned this note taking strategy by asking a professional for memory help and accepting their recommendations.  My willingness to take extensive notes during important appointments is a sign of acceptance for the memory loss that I live with.  

Another place where I ask for and accept help is during brain injury support groups.  I am now entering my 15th year of survival, and one might say that I have gained the support I need to live this new reality comfortably.  Because I received so much help during my earlier years, I now attend brain injury support groups not only for the community, but to offer whatever support or perspective I might be able to lend others who may be newer on their recovery journeys.

No one needs to travel this dark, confusing, and often frustrating path of recovery alone.  Learning to ask for and accept help can open us up to a world of possibilities. 

How has this lesson of asking others for help changed my life now?  Quite simply it has helped me shift from the arrogant know-it-all that I once was before the car crash, to the more inquisitive, open, and accepting person that I am today.  I used to be the boss of a talented team of executives, one might even say I was "bossy".  Now I speak differently, and I take longer to hear others' responses.  Asking for and accepting help has opened my eyes to so much. I have no idea who I would be now if I did not take all these notes for all these years because my memory is still a work in progress.

I believe if communities across the world and across all differences -- such as citizens who are disabled, professionals, students, educators, parents, religious leaders, politicians -- could ask one another for help, rather than offering their own unsolicited advice, our planet might become a more harmonious place to live.