White-knuckled Fear

Shernice asked the writers group this week: what is one thing in 2022 that we would each like to let go of?  And by letting go of this, what is one thing that we can each then move forward with in 2023?  Tough question to answer… because it makes me nervous. 

I would like to let go of the fear of losing my husband Augustus, an angst that started creeping into our marriage about the same time as those old familiar feelings did.  Those that reminded me of what it felt like to settle down with my first true love Rich Betancourt, when we moved into our first home and planned to add a couple of children to our three-bedroom cottage.  We each were making great strides in our professional careers in New York City, and we began envisioning our long life together.

But in the summer of 2008, life did not follow the course we had carefully charted.  A few months after we closed on and moved into our first home, Rich was killed in the same car crash that caused the TBI that I live with today.  We would have celebrated our first wedding anniversary while I was in a coma.

After several years of hard work, healing, and prayer, I met and fell deeply in love with my current husband Adam Augustus Renzi.  Today we reside in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Western North Carolina in the home he built us that we call The Blue Ridge Chalet.

I have already survived the death of my first true love, which my phycologist considers evidence that I am strong enough to face this enormous loss again.  Yet I cannot bear the thought, and it haunts me regularly.  It is a fear that is so deep and yet readily present at the same time.  Is this PTSD?

I made Augustus promise he would not leave me by way of dying.  Of course, this is an unrealistic, impossible, and perhaps a spiritually unconscious request.  No human being can change the course of their divinely intended outcome, no matter how “accidental” it may appear. 

My husband responded by enfolding me in his arms and whispering “I promise” into my hair.  His promise felt sincere and yet unconvincing at the same time.  My late husband said more or less the same thing in our wedding vows, “I take you Angela to be my lawfully wedded wife (…blah, blah, blah…) until death do us part.”  No one ever plans for the last part of the vow, and how can we?

Here I am again, deeply in love with my husband Augustus.  Everything about my current life is new (love, home, state, and abilities).  And yet, I cannot shake the eerie feeling of familiarity.  The comfort.  The ease of being with my soul mate.

One expression Augustus and I use often is “I have just fallen more deeply in love with you.”  Somehow this truth has not yet been worn out, however, the last time this left my lips, I suddenly felt a red flag raise in front of my heart.  Remember what happened the last time you let go completely?

This silent voice made me pause.

Maybe if I keep writing, I will find the answer somewhere on this page.  Can I bravely travel this familiar road by lining it with prayers and affirmations that this new adventure won’t also end in tragedy?  I do not know how to let go of this white-knuckled fear.  I’d like to move forward with a greater sense of confidence and assurance that all will be well.  I know now that this is not possible…

Maybe I need a new hobby.